What Is Anxious Ambivalent Attachment and What Causes It?

Anxious ambivalent attachment (also known as anxious preoccupied attachment in adulthood) typically develops in children during their first 18 months of life. During this formative period, a child’s caregiver(s) may respond inconsistently to their needs—nurturing and responsive on some occasions, but unavailable or insensitive on others. This inconsistency can leave the child feeling unsure of their caregiver's reliability.

In this article, we’ll explore your top questions about anxious ambivalent attachment in childhood, including:

• When and how anxious ambivalent attachment develops.

• Typical caregiver behaviors that foster anxious ambivalent attachment.

• How children with this attachment style perceive their caregivers.

• Common behaviors and emotional patterns in children with anxious ambivalent attachment.

• The meaning of ambivalence in children versus adults.

• How anxious ambivalent attachment affects a child’s development.

• Steps that caregivers can take to raise securely attached children.

How Does Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Develop?

A child's attachment style is shaped by the bond they develop with their caregivers. This bond forms a template for how the child sees the world and others within it. Whether this perspective is positive or negative has a significant impact on their life—from exploring their environment and socializing with others to eventually forming adult relationships.

Anxious ambivalent attachment often arises when caregivers are inconsistent. For example, a caregiver may be attentive to the child’s needs at times, while on other occasions, they may ignore or reject their child’s requests for comfort. This unpredictability can create confusion for the child.

As a result, the child becomes conflicted. When the caregiver is attentive, they are content; when the caregiver is unresponsive, the child feels anxious and unsure. This emotional rollercoaster can lead the child to develop ambivalent attachment patterns—both distrusting and desperately clinging to their caregiver in a bid to have their needs met.

One possible cause of these behaviors in caregivers is that they themselves experienced an anxious attachment style growing up, perpetuating the cycle.

Common Behaviors of Caregivers with Anxious Ambivalent Children

Caregivers of children with anxious ambivalent attachment tend to be:

• Inconsistent and unpredictable in how they respond to their child’s needs.

• More focused on their own needs than those of their child, possibly because they didn't receive the affection they needed as children.

• Unreliable in their child’s eyes, being affectionate at times but punitive at others.

Understanding Ambivalence: What Does It Mean?

It can be difficult to act decisively or take a firm stance when you feel two conflicting emotions simultaneously. This is the essence of ambivalence—alternating between feeling strongly positive and strongly negative. The term "ambivalence" comes from "ambi," meaning both, and "valence," meaning vigor. Ambivalence isn’t the same as apathy. Where an apathetic person feels little emotion, someone who is ambivalent feels an excess of contrasting emotions.

How Does the Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Style Affect Children?

In Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation experiment (1969), some children demonstrated behaviors typical of anxious ambivalent attachment. These children became bewildered and agitated when separated from their mothers and avoided eye contact when reunited—yet they also clung to their mothers.

These children often try to stay close to their caregivers by "up-regulating" their emotions—throwing tantrums, crying, or otherwise becoming upset to keep the caregiver’s attention. This behavior may continue even when the caregiver is present, creating a cycle where the child is insecure about exploring the world and often needs adult attention to feel safe.

Effects on a Child’s Development

Not only does anxious ambivalent attachment affect social interactions, but it also influences a child’s executive functioning skills, including comprehension, self-control, and task completion. Children with this attachment style may:

• Attempt to stay close to their caregiver.

• Act out for attention (e.g., tantrums).

• Resist soothing while also clinging to the parent.

• Feel insecure about exploring their world.

• Be needy for adult attention (e.g., clinging to teachers).

• Struggle to focus on tasks, leading to potential ADHD misdiagnoses.

• Display anxious behaviors.

How Does Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Evolve in Adulthood?

If not addressed, an anxious ambivalent attachment style can carry into adulthood as anxious preoccupied attachment. Adults with this attachment style often:

• Struggle with emotional regulation.

• Fear abandonment, leading to clingy behaviors.

• Are hypervigilant in relationships, sometimes making them overly eager to please or fearful of being left.

However, it’s important to remember that it is possible to change an anxious attachment style. For more information, check out our article: Earned Secure Attachment: Transforming Your Insecure Attachment Style.

Raising a Securely Attached Child

Parenting is never one-size-fits-all, and it can be challenging to balance affection without smothering your child. The key is responsive caregiving: being attentive to a child’s cues and meeting their needs in a predictable manner.

Further Reading: For more insights, explore our articles on anxious attachment in adult relationships, secure attachment, and the five key requirements for fostering secure attachment in childhood.

The "Healthy Attachment Cycle" diagram illustrates the natural progression of how secure attachment is built between a child and their caregiver. It consists of the following steps:

1. Need: The cycle begins with a child experiencing a need, such as hunger, pain, or discomfort. This initial state is crucial as it triggers the attachment system, prompting the child to signal for help.

2. Arousal: As a result of unmet needs, the child experiences arousal, often shown through behaviors like crying, being upset, or showing anger. This arousal is the child’s way of communicating distress to their caregiver.

3. Relief: When the caregiver responds to the child's need appropriately, the child experiences relief. This response provides the child with comfort, and their need is met, reinforcing their sense of safety.

4. Trust: Through repeated, consistent responses from the caregiver, the child learns to trust. They come to believe that their needs will be met and that the adults around them are reliable. Trust development is key for fostering a secure attachment, helping the child feel safe enough to explore the world confidently.

This cycle, when repeated consistently, forms the foundation for secure attachment and emotional resilience, enabling children to feel "I am OK" and "Adults are OK," which is critical for their overall development.

The "Unhealthy Attachment Cycle" diagram illustrates how an insecure attachment pattern can develop when a child's needs are repeatedly unmet. It consists of the following steps:

1. Need: The cycle starts when the child experiences a need, such as hunger, loneliness, discomfort, or pain. This unmet need triggers the child's attachment system.

2. Rage: When the caregiver fails to meet the child's need, the child may feel rage and other intense emotions like anger, helplessness, or hopelessness. This represents their distress in response to unmet needs and the absence of a comforting caregiver.

3. Lack of Relief: Since the caregiver does not respond effectively, the child experiences a lack of relief. Their needs are left unmet—they feel neglected, ignored, and continue to experience pain and discomfort.

4. Trust: After repeated experiences of having their needs ignored, the child learns to internalize feelings of mistrust. They come to believe "I am not OK," "Adults are not OK," and "The world is unsafe." This lack of trust sets the foundation for insecure attachment styles that persist as the child grows.

This cycle, when repeated, leads to emotional instability and impacts a child's ability to form healthy relationships later in life. It establishes a negative view of the self, others, and the world.

Sources:

• Bowlby, J. (2012). A Secure Base: Clinical Applications of Attachment Theory. London: Routledge.

• Cassidy, J., & Berlin, L. J. (1994). The Insecure/Ambivalent Pattern of Attachment: Theory and Research. Child Development, 65(4), 971-91.

• Brown, D. P., & Elliott, D. S. (2016). Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair. New York: W.W. Norton.

• Salter, M. D., Ainsworth, M. C., Blehar, E. W., & Wall, S. N. (2015). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. New York: Taylor & Francis.

Taken from an article posted on attachmentproject.com